


First and Last

by Elivra



Series: Tender Nothings [11]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Déjà vu - ish, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Mirrored scenes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-13 03:30:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16884807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elivra/pseuds/Elivra
Summary: Burdened by grief, Levi enters Erwin's office for the first time.*Burdened by grief, Levi enters Erwin's office for the last time.This story can be read individually or as ordered chronologically inTender Nothings.





	First and Last

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is it. My last story in the series. I can't believe I'm finally publishing this.
> 
> I've had this written almost in full for a long time, and have been tweaking it every now and then. Still, I've never written anything quite like this before, and it's a bit of an experiment for me tbh.
> 
> Happy reading, and sorry for the feels! <3

*

* * *

 

He watches the sun rise everyday. He can never get enough of it, and no matter how strong a hold his grief has over him, he never misses going to the rooftop to watch the sun rise. 

He hears her footsteps but doesn't turn around.

“Hey. Quite a view.”

Hange is the only one talking to him properly. Everyone else is avoiding him, uncertain how to proceed. He is still too raw, too new, still too much of an anomaly for the Survey Corps to comprehend. He doesn't mind. He'd rather be alone than surrounded by the babble of strangers, of men and women who don't care about the view when the sun rises.

Levi says nothing and Hange simply sits next to him and watches with him. Eventually, when the sun is high enough in the sky, she tells him, “Erwin wants to see you.”

He slips off the parapet and leaves before she can say anything else. He will talk to her later, explain himself later.

The corridor to Erwin's office is already familiar. He remembers Isabel idly whistling while they waited outside. He remembers Farlan hesitate outside the door, his palm resting fleetingly on the doorknob. And then they went ahead with the mission anyway.

Levi knocks and the response is immediate. “Come in.”

*

* * *

 

He tries to watch the sun rise everyday. He can never get enough of it, and no matter how strong a hold his grief has over him, he always tries to go to the rooftop to watch the sun rise.

He hears her footsteps but doesn't turn around.

“Hey. Quite a view.”

Hange is the only one talking to him, the only one left. Everyone else is gone. The kids are still too raw, too new, still too little for the Survey Corps to actually exist. He minds terribly. He'd rather be surrounded by the babble of his comrades, the men and women who will never see the view when the sun rises, than be alone.

Levi says nothing and Hange simply sits next to him and watches with him. Eventually, when the sun is high enough in the sky, she tells him, “Let’s do it today.”

He slips off the parapet and leaves before she can say anything else. He doesn't have to talk to her, doesn't have to explain himself.

The corridor to Erwin's office will always be familiar. He remembers stomping over in anger innumerable times, sauntering over languidly after exhausting trips to the Capital. He remembers himself hesitating outside the door on sleepless nights, his palm resting fleetingly on the doorknob. And then he went inside every time.

Levi opens the door and the silence is deafening.

*

* * *

 

“Ah, Levi. I'm transferring you into my squad. I hope that's fine?” Erwin is direct and businesslike, wasting no time in pleasantries, as usual. Levi hesitates at the door, and Erwin, to his surprise, smiles ruefully. “Forgive me. I have had a long week and my manners have left me. Please,” he gestures at the chair in front of his desk, “have a seat.”

His footsteps are soft against the carpeted wood. The curtains are only halfway drawn, and the shelves on the walls are still bathed in shadow, their contents mysterious and hidden. He places himself in the chair carefully, feeling the well worn wood of its armrests under his fingertips.

Erwin’s desk is a mess of paperwork. There are sheafs and bundles of them, interspersed with several inkpots, quills and a gleaming paper cutter. Levi's hands itch to set them right.

*

* * *

 

He almost expects to see a familiar blond head bent over the desk, a familiar brusque voice wasting no time in pleasantries, always businesslike. Levi hesitates at the door, and the ghost of the memory shifts -now he is sitting up straight, now he is smiling, now his voice is all warmth.

His footsteps are soft against the dusty carpeted wood. The curtains are drawn, and the shelves on the walls are bathed in shadow, but Levi knows their contents very well and can pinpoint any of them with his eyes closed. He places himself behind the chair carefully, clenching the back within his fists, feeling the well worn wood under his fingertips.

Erwin’s desk is covered in clear stacks of paperwork. The sheafs and bundles are neatly organised, the inkpots and quills are lined on one side and the gleaming paper cutter rests in the middle of the table, ready and waiting. Levi's hands itch to clear the dust.

*

* * *

 

There is a sharp knock and Hange bounds in, beaming at them both.

“Ah, yes,” Erwin says, leaning back in his chair. “Hange is here to help me with some paperwork, and I was hoping you would, as well.”

Levi raises an eyebrow. “Me?”

“Well, honestly Levi, we just want to show you the ropes. There is a lot of paperwork involved in the Survey Corps activities and everyone always has something or the other to be filed.” Hange says frankly. “It's very rigorously bureaucratic.”

Levi crosses his arms. “Yeah? How come I haven't had to file anything so far?”

Hange and Erwin exchange glances and his doubts are confirmed.

“You were filing them without telling me.” He pauses, then spits, “I don't need your _pity._ ”

“It's not pity,” Erwin begins and then Hange cuts in, “It's really not. We just didn't know if you'd… stay.”

“I'm not going anywhere,” Levi grumbles after the heavy pause. “Where do you want me to begin?”

*

* * *

 

There is a sharp knock and Hange strides in, nodding at him.

She glances at Erwin's empty chair, and says abruptly, “Thank you for coming to help me with the paperwork. I was hoping you'd deal with the desk.”

Levi raises an eyebrow. “Me?”

“Well, honestly Levi, you know what's there better than anyone else. There has been a lot of paperwork involved in Erwin's activities and no one really knows where to start.” Hange says frankly. “He followed the bureaucracy very rigorously.”

Levi crosses his arms. “Yeah? How come I haven't been asked to look at it so far?”

Hange refuses to meet his stare and his doubts are confirmed.

“You started without telling me.” He pauses, then spits, “I don't need your _pity._ ”

“It's not pity,” Hange sighs, “It's really not. I just didn't know if you'd… stay.”

“I'm not going anywhere,” Levi grumbles after the heavy pause. “Where do you want me to begin?”

*

* * *

 

“Now these are expense reports. They're going to be pretty basic for you, since you've only got to enter your own resource consumption data.” Hange explains, while Erwin adds, “I can get you a template to fill these out after every expedition. Most soldiers’ individual expense reports are the same.”

Levi nods.

“This is a leave request.” Erwin pushes forward another sheet of paper. “I can't guarantee absences, and they usually are not paid leaves. But should the reason demand it, I can try and get it for you.”

“I'll keep that in mind,” Levi says warily.

“What Hange and I will be working on today,” Erwin continues, “are the actual expedition debriefing reports. Since our squads worked together so closely in the last one, we will be compiling the individual reports together.”

Levi nods again. “What do you need me to do?”

“We would appreciate it if you could glance through our reports as we compile each page. Double-check that the figures are right, and that no important information is missed out.”

“What would you consider as 'important’?”

Erwin ponders over this. He glances at Hange and turns back to him. “Everything,” he says.

*

* * *

 

“Most of the desk paperwork consists of expense reports. They're going to be an easy start for you since you've been working with them for so long,” Hange explains. “If you could draft a template of sorts for me to look at later, it would really help me understand his reporting style.”

Levi nods.

“I have a blank leave request for you,” Hange proffers a sheet of paper. “Considering the circumstances, I can guarantee a long leave, within certain limits, of course. And I can certainly try getting your pay covered.”

“I'll keep that in mind,” Levi says warily.

“What you and I will be working on today,” Hange continues, “are Erwin's actual expedition debriefing reports. Since our expeditions over the last year were organised so closely, we will be compiling the individual reports together.”

Levi nods again. “What do you need me to do?”

“I would appreciate it if you could glance through the reports before we compile each page. Double-check that no important information is missed out and I'll concern myself with the figures.”

“What would you consider as 'important’?”

Hange barely takes any time to ponder over this. She glances at him. “Everything,” she says.

*

* * *

 

They work mostly in silence, with Hange, as usual, bursting into loud and heated statements every now and then. Levi re-files the reports that had already been done for him, then gets working on the stack of papers piling up on the desk.

The windows are open, the curtains fully drawn, and the cool autumn air breezes in refreshingly. Levi catches glimpses of objects on the shelves -some old awards, books with severely worn spines, a decorative wooden box, canisters of what he knows are spare uniform belts. It is like his understanding of Erwin is growing clearer, in his room, surrounded by his mostly impersonal things.

An errant thought pops into his head and he says it before he can hesitate. “What are you going to do when you have to move?”

Erwin looks up at him, his blue eyes distracted. “Excuse me?”

“When you become Commander. Are you going to move everything?”

Hange sniggers and Erwin asks him quietly, “You think I will be Commander?”

Levi shrugs. “The whole Corps knows you're next in line.”

Erwin blinks rapidly. “ _If_ I am made Commander, I will continue working out of this office. We don't have the time to move about.”

Levi shrugs again. “I guess not.”

*

* * *

 

They work mostly in silence, Hange being bizarrely silent, with none of her usual loud, heated statements. Levi glances at the reports that had already been gone through before him, then gets to reorganising the stack of papers piled up on the desk.

The windows are open, the curtains fully drawn, and the cool autumn air breezes in refreshingly. Levi catches glimpses of objects on the shelves -Erwin’s old awards from Training Corps that he cherished for some reason, his favourite history books with severely worn spines that hid some heretical papers, a wooden box (which he knows includes trinkets like a tarnished ring, a cameo locket, and a drawing that a child in the streets had given him), canisters of spare uniform belts and bandages for his stump. It is like he understands the room as well as he did Erwin, surrounded by his most personal things.

An errant thought pops into his head and he says it before he can hesitate. “Are you going to move here?”

Hange looks up at him, her eye distracted. “Excuse me?”

“Now that you're Commander. Are you going to move everything?”

Hange asks him quietly, “You think I will move here?”

Levi shrugs. “The whole Corps considers this the Commander's office.”

Hange blinks rapidly. “Despite the fact that I am now Commander, I will continue working out of my own office. We don't have the time to move about.”

Levi shrugs again. “I guess not.”

*

* * *

 

They work past sunset, with tea being brought by at some point by an unknown soldier. Hange leaves eventually, but Levi stays behind, because he hasn't finished yet.

“You really should go have dinner, you know,” Erwin says at one point, and they have been quiet for so long Levi almost startles at the sound of his voice.

“Not hungry,” Levi waves it away, then turns to look at him, hunched behind the stack of paperwork on the desk. “What about you?”

“It's fine,” Erwin shakes his head, his smile a little abashed. “I'm not used to having dinner. Don't often have the time.”

“That's not very healthy,” Levi comments gruffly, placing aside another form he is done with.

Erwin lets out a sharp chuckle, and the sound is something he has never heard him make before, so Levi looks at him again.

“Sorry.” Erwin runs his hand through his hair. “No, it's just -the last person to fuss over me like that was my mother.”

Levi freezes for a moment, surprised, then makes a face. “I'm _not_ your mother.”

“Exactly,” Erwin chuckles again.

“And I'm not fussing.”

“Of course.” Erwin sits up straight, just a bit professional once more. “I appreciate your concern, though.”

Levi shrugs, suddenly uncomfortable again. “Whatever.”

Erwin pushes back his chair and walks up to him. Levi watches him warily, tensing just a little bit more with each nearing step, until his nerves are as tightly strung as they normally are in the middle of a fight.

Erwin notices, of course. Already Levi has started to understand that very little escapes him, the strategist. His voice is low, careful, the same tone Levi has heard him use with horses in the stables. “Levi…” He hesitates, clears his throat, then tries again, “I wanted to thank you for staying.” Levi is gritting his teeth so hard his jaw aches. “You must have been through a lot together, and afterwards… it can't have been an easy choice to make.”

He says nothing more, simply waits, and Levi speaks his mind. “I don't regret it.” _Not staying. Not_ _that_ _._

A sudden smile appears on Erwin's face; it is so bright and sincere that Levi can almost _feel_ its warmth. “Good,” he says softly and, to his shock, offers him his hand. Levi can see the scar there from his own blade and now he wants to get up and leave because this is too much, _too much_.

But he takes the hand and shakes it. Erwin simply gives him another smile, a small nod, and returns to his desk to continue his work. Levi, with a surreptitious deep breath, does so too.

*

* * *

 

They work past sunset, with tea being brought by at some point by Connie Springer. He expects Hange to leave eventually, but they both stay on, because they haven't finished yet.

“You really should come have dinner, at least,” Connie returns to say at one point, and they have been quiet for so long Levi almost startles at the sound of his voice.

“Not hungry,” Levi waves him away, then turns to look at Hange, hunched behind the stack of paperwork in her corner. “What about you?”

“It's fine,” Hange shakes her head, her smile a little tired. “I'm not used to having dinner. Don't often remember.”

“That's not very healthy,” Levi comments gruffly, placing aside another form he is done with.

Hange lets out a sharp chuckle, and the sound is something he has not heard her make in a long time, so Levi looks at her again.

“Sorry.” Hange rubs her one good eye. “No, it's just -the last person to fuss over me like that was Moblit.”

Levi freezes for a horrified moment, then pretends to make a face. “I'm _not_ your assistant.”

“Exactly,” Hange chuckles again.

“And I'm not fussing.”

“Of course.” Hange sits up straight, just a bit serious once more. “Thank you for your concern, though.”

Levi shrugs, suddenly uncomfortable again. “Whatever.”

Hange pushes back her chair and walks up to him. Levi watches her warily, tensing just a little bit more with each nearing step, until his nerves are as tightly strung as they normally are in the middle of an expedition.

Hange notices, of course. Levi has understood for a long time that very little escapes her, the scientist. Her voice is low, careful, the same tone Levi has heard her use with her captured titans. “Levi…” She stops abruptly, takes a deep breath and goes on, “I wanted to thank you for staying.” Levi is gritting his teeth so hard his jaw aches. “You’ve been through a lot, especially with him, and afterwards… it can't have been an easy choice to make.”

She says nothing more, simply waits, and Levi speaks his mind. “I don't regret it.” _Not staying. Not_ _that_ _._

A sudden smile appears on Hange's face; it is so painfully familiar that Levi can almost _hear_ its exuberance. “Good,” she says softly and, to his shock, draws him into an embrace. Levi can feel the strap of her bandage on his temple and now he wants to pull away and leave because this is too much, _too much_.

But he stays and pats her on the back. Hange simply draws away with a small chuckle, a ruffle of his hair, and returns to her corner to continue her work. Levi, with a surreptitious deep breath, does so too.

*

* * *

 

Erwin compliments him on his work intermittently, from his handwriting to his keen eye for detail. Levi continues impassively. It isn't terribly difficult what he's doing, just mind-numbingly dull. When he finally finishes, it is pitch black outside and the castle is silent, has been for a while.

“Thank you, Levi,” Erwin says, rubbing his eyes tiredly. “I think I’ll need reading glasses at this rate. I hope you didn't mind the extra work.”

“It's fine,” he says shortly and stands up. They stare at each other for a long, heavy moment.

“I look forward to working with you,” Erwin says quietly, a soft smile on his face.

Levi nods abruptly and walks to the doorway. He stops and turns, and looks at the man at the desk, feeling like something big and new is beginning, lightening his heart. Like everything the world could offer is nested in this room. His breath hitches.

“Good night, Erwin,” he says, and shuts the door.

*

* * *

 

After Hange leaves, he strays from the paperwork intermittently, avoiding Erwin's keen comments in his precise handwriting. Levi cleans instead, as impassive as ever. What was forever mind-numbingly dull is now terribly difficult. When he finally finishes, it is pitch black outside and the castle is silent, has been for a while.

Levi rubs his eyes tiredly. It's been a while since he did so much paperwork and he has a feeling he might need reading glasses soon.

He huffs, telling himself he's grown old, and stands up. He stares at the clear desk for a long, heavy moment.

He can almost see Erwin sitting there, saying something quietly, a soft smile on his face.

Levi nods at nothing abruptly and walks to the doorway. He stops and turns, and looks at the empty chair behind the empty desk, feeling like something big and familiar is over, gone, ripped from his heart. Like nothing is left for him in this world, in this room. His breath hitches.

“Goodbye, Erwin,” he says, and shuts the door.

*

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Sooo the alignment. What do you guys think? Is the shifting too jarring, too distracting for you to read? I honestly don't know if this works or not, so do let me know what you think of the way I have placed the stories. If you have any other idea of how it could work, please tell me! More than anything I want your reading experience to be worth it. :)
> 
> Coming to the stories themselves, I know the grief/angst is pretty muted. I figured Levi, being the private guy he is, would not be one to... broadcast his feelings, let's say. I especially got this impression from his stoic face in the chapters following their return from Shiganshina. He looks grim and depressed, but he doesn't speak a word of his grief. What do you think? What about Hange? What about Erwin? His scenes would have happened right after ACWNR, so they're still a bit -formal with each other. 
> 
> All of this is my own perspective of them, of course. Do let me know if my take seems too OOC for you guys!
> 
> Thank you all so very much for reading this! To the wonderful people who've read the rest of the series, an extra thank you for reading all the way to this one. I hope my little stories were worth your attention and did justice to this wonderful pairing. <3


End file.
